


What's a cool pope?

by FleabagThenardier



Category: Fleabag (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post-Canon, written on the tube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-30 22:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21435865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleabagThenardier/pseuds/FleabagThenardier
Summary: Well he said it, might as well go for the whole fucking shebang now. "And, the Pope had a change of heart about the whole celibacy thing so you fucking me might not be such a bad idea any more".He spluttered and coughed whilst laughing, "Oh fuck me, I didn't expect you to be that blunt"."You know me Father, not one to disappoint."...Set post series 2, aligned with the news that Pope Francis is having major thoughts over celibacy and the Church.The newspaper headline caught his eye, 'POPE CHANGES MIND ON CELIBACY', he laughed to himself. The Pope definitely hadn't, but he had.
Relationships: Fleabag & Priest (Fleabag)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	What's a cool pope?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [n4r4nch4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/n4r4nch4/gifts).

Twenty-five minutes past ten read the clock on the church tower. It had been a few weeks since she saw the building shining in all its glory which made sense considering she was banned from setting foot in the church, _his church_. Technically she wasn't banned from his house, but it was attached to the church so did that count? Her breathing became more rapid as her thoughts and reasoning on the technicalities of the word 'church' spiraled out of control. As she met the door she felt uneasy. It was late, way passed his bedtime, and passed Pam's for that matter. This was completely irrational, to turn up in the middle of the night, at your ex-priest-lover's house, which is conveniently located next door to the church you're banned from, without so much of a forewarning, to tell him...

*Ding dong*

"Fuck!"

She could've sworn that an unholy spirit moved her hand and pressed the door bell because that was definitely not of her own doing. She attempted to think rationally about the dangerous territory she was entering but he left her with no time for the rational as a light inside the house flashed on. The noise of the lock being unscrewed made her stomach turn; it was too late to back out. She nervously held a deep breath in awaiting the door to be opened. His appalling lock opening skills defeated her world record attempt, and the air plummeted out of her leaving the nerves behind. The door finally opened.

"Oh, oh hello dear, are you okay?", it was Pam, dressed in her nightwear. Fleabag was worried that she had awoken the 'Sound Tyrant' but she didn't look as if she had been awoken. She apologised regardless.

"Oh God! I'm sorry to wake you, I was looking for the Priest. I'm in a bit of a crisis and was just looking for some advice"

"Oh you poor thing, come in out of the cold", Pam said gesturing for her to come into the warmth but she didn't budge. "FATHER! WE HAVE A CRISIS!" she shouted at the top of her lungs.

"Oh no no no, if he's asleep don't wake him, I'm not..."

"He won't mind dear", Pam responded, cutting her off. "It's you after all. Now come in out of the cold before you catch your death". There was no fighting the tyrant. She stood anxiously in the centre of the sitting room, where they had once shared tinnies over talks of inconsistencies with God's creation and fathering multiple children.

"FATHER!", Pam shouted as she clambered up the stairs. What did Pam mean by "it's you after all?". Did she know something? No, he wouldn't have told her. Did she figure it out? Suddenly she heard him. It was a half asleep, panicked voice, but it was his. 

"Yes Pam, yes I heard you. What is it? Who needs help?"

"Ah yes, Hello Father. It's your friend, she said she is in a crisis and..."

"My friend?"

A big reader with no friends, it was understandable for him to be confused.

"Yes, the pretty one".

Wait, what? She could no longer hear any noise from upstairs however that might have been because her brain was currently going into overdrive, blocking out any sound from her surroundings. Did he know who was currently freaking the fuck out in his living room? It wasn't until Pam was standing in front of her, lips appearing to move, that she snapped out of her panic. 

"Tea? He's just coming down, would you like some tea?"

"Um, no thank you". She hadn't noticed him coming down the stairs, but now he was a dark shadow, lingering in the corner of her eye.

"Hi", he finally said with a curt smile. He looked slightly abashed to be caught in just his pyjamas, not that she hadn't seen him in them before, also far less, but keep focused, she thought.

"Hi", she managed to ease out. Silence filled the room as they both stared intently at one another. It had been a few weeks since he left her at the bus stop following a passionate night of vow breaking, 49 days to be precise but she wasn't counting; he was.

"Tea, Father?"

"No, no thank you Pam". She nodded and continued to hover, observing the growing silence as if it were its own entity. "That'll be all", he said in a kind but firm voice. Pam received the message loud and clear and quickly nodded, gave the "pretty one" a reassuring rub on the arm, and clambered back up the stairs. The silence continued to grow, filling the space where Pam was once standing.

*Slam*

The vibration of the slamming door made her jump, which in turn made him chuckle under his breath. It was finally broken.

"She is surprisingly alert for this time at night"

"I know, I was gone hours ago", he responded, with just as much confusion as to the liveliness of Pam.

"Oh God, I'm sorry for waking you", she protested.

He quickly shook off the apology. "Pam said you were in a crisis?"

"She also said I was the pretty one"

He laughed, of course she did. "Why are you here? I mean, are you okay?"

"I was having a bit of a breakdown and you once told me to come see you if I needed a chat, so here I am"

"I also banned you from my church"

"Not in your church" she sang back.

He looked down and laughed to himself. He couldn't deny how much he loved her playfulness. He eventually brought himself together and looked up, "Why are you really here?"

"Because..." _Don't do it, don't say it, you can't just come out with it._ "Because...". He remained silent, waiting patiently for her to answer. "Because I still fucking love you." _I just said it. _

He gulped. "Okay"

"And you know that thing you said, about it passing, sorta never did happen. And..."

"Go on"

_Well he said it, might as well go for the whole fucking shebang now._ "And, the Pope had a change of heart about the whole celibacy thing so you fucking me might not be such a bad idea any more".

He spluttered and coughed whilst laughing, "Oh fuck me, I didn't expect you to be that blunt".

"You know me Father, not one to disappoint."

He couldn't help but smirk and try shake away the shock of disbelief on his face. As a pastor he was never normally lost for words, he had a great big book of them to go by, but with her he was frequently left speechless. "You should sit down" he said, not fully sure with himself, whilst gesturing to the couch. "Would you like a drink?" he asked as he walked to the kitchen in an attempt to sober up his thoughts.

"Water would be fine, thank you", she shouted through.

"What about a proper drink, fuck I haven't had a proper drink in ages." He reached up to the top shelf of one of the cupboards showing his beautiful midriff that made Fleabag grit her teeth. "Aha!", he spun around to face her with a big grin on his face and a spark in his eye, "G&T?". For an onlooker, it felt as if nothing had changed since they were last here drinking in high spirits, both figuratively and literally, when in fact plenty had changed including the Catholic Church's stance on celibacy.

"How have things been since, you know"

"Since you left me at the bus stop?"

Although the guilt in his stomach wanted him to, his brain decided not to grace her response with an answer. "How's the cafe?"

"It's going well. I have a hamster now!" she enthusiastically responded.

"I thought you run a guinea pig themed cafe?"

"I do". She couldn't help but grin whilst sipping her can of G&T. The anxiety she had felt on arrival had shrunk to a Boo sized ball, and her body was now radiating with the warm excitement she felt in the company of her priest.

"So, Pope Francis..", he said bringing attention to the elephant in the room.

"Yeah, who knew he was such a wild guy?!" 

He responded with a chuckle. This was the first time he had ever heard Pope Francis being described as a 'wild guy'. "He definitely has more progressive ideas that's for sure".

"Cheers to that!", she said raising her can. The priest laughed and wanted to resist but ultimately clinked his can to hers, their eyes meeting as the *clink* chimed through the room. 

"I mean I knew he was considered a cool pope but this is something else"

"A cool pope?" he laughed.

"Yeah, people think he's a cool pope!"

"What's a cool pope?"

"One that gives you the green light on breaking your vows, I mean he's really shaking things up in the Catholic Church"

She laughs, taking back the gin, but notices he doesn't laugh as much, rather he offers her a sympathetic smile. She feels the ball inside grow slightly larger.

"You do know he hasn't quite given the green light on rejecting celibacy"

"What?"

He places his can down on the table taking a moment to prepare himself. "There's been a lot more discussion in the church, over the past few years on celibacy. A lot of European priests have expressed their support for married priests and exceptions from clerical celibacy, but this" he reaches for the newspaper on the bottom of the pile and points to the article reading _'POPE CHANGES MIND ON CELIBACY'_, "This isn't what you think it is". 

"But I read it, well not this but online. The Pope said he was considering dropping celibacy requirements for some priests."

"He is, but not here"

"What?"

"There's a shortage of priests, in the Amazon." he eventually added. "To solve this problem Pope Francis is considering ordaining married men of proven faith to fill the gap. That's all there is to it." He could see her face drop and felt personally guilty for having to be the bearer of bad news, because it was bad news. "There isn't any actual change being considered to celibacy regulations". He attempted to meet her eyes and express his apologies but she remained looking down to the ground. As he placed the paper back on the table he heard her soft whisper.

"So nothing's changed."

He didn't know whether this was a question about his feelings or a statement reconfirming the Pope's decision. He responded with a shake of his head.

"Damn", she muttered under her breath. How did she end up in this mess again. It was like replaying the scene at the bus stop only this time it was real and she couldn't wake up to escape the nightmare. "Damn" she repeated again but louder. She finally looked up and met his eyes, deciding to risk it all, "If only there was a shortage of priests in London".

"Well not quite, the rule would only apply to older men who are already married and not"

"Alright I fucking get it, nothings changed, it's still God". She placed her head in her hands quickly, embarrassed at her outburst. She felt like a fool and only had herself to blame. He didn't think she was a fool. He wanted nothing more than to wrap her up in his arms and tell her it was going to be okay, but that wasn't the truth, not completely. She eventually looked up and noticed he was now sitting towards the edge of the couch, staring at her. "I shouldn't have.." she started to say but he cut her off, hushing her words with his finger and shaking his head. He placed his hand on her thigh. It felt warm over her thin tights.

He cleared his throat and began, "The Pope said that celibacy is a matter of discipline, not faith. And that it can change". He moved his hand up her thigh just slightly whilst pondering his next line. "He also said that the rules of celibacy undoubtedly have to be adhered to and that anyone who cannot stick by these rules must leave the ministry". His mind swung back and forth like a yo-yo, but his heart remained leaning to one side. "But his first point", she felt him squeeze her leg "that celibacy isn't a test of my faith. If anything you make my belief in him stronger". He laughed, but she could only watch in anticipation as she had no idea where this was going. "It's a test don't you see? A test of my discipline. And I think he's right, that it can change, I mean it has changed. I mean forget that, what I'm trying to say is..."

"You're a naughty priest who needs to be disciplined?" she anxiously said, with an attempt at unashamedly flirting.

She did it again, rendered him speechless and raised his heart beat all in one. "Fuck no!", he said bursting out with laughter and shaking his head, "You just can't help yourself can you?".

"Nope", she answered honestly, she couldn't.

He leaned forwards from the couch, still holding on to her thigh, seeking permission within her deep, questioning eyes, before laying a gentle kiss on her soft lips. She returned the kiss, finally feeling herself at total ease. The kiss became more passionate and he found himself kneeling on the floor between the coffee table and couch, positioning himself between her legs. He felt _that _feeling return, and began to lose himself, running his hands up and down her body.

"What about Pam?", she asked breathless, breaking free from the embrace.

"Fuck Pam!" he said breathlessly, with passion in his eyes, as he tried to lean back in to continue but was met with refusal.

"What about God?"

He was about to say 'Fuck God', it was there on the tip of his tongue fueled by his increased heart rate and hardened cock but he owed more to her than this. An explanation was due so it was time for his brain to do the talking. He took a second to catch his breath. "You're right, nothing has changed. In the Catholic Church" he quickly added, before taking her hand and placing it on his chest. She could feel his rapidly beating heart. "But this, fuck this is all you". He nodded to himself, confirming his decision, and looked back up to her. He licked his lip and smirked "And now my life is definitely fucked". For a second, she was the one who was speechless. He brought her hand from his chest, up to his lips, and laid a gentle kiss before releasing it. She was totally besotted.

Readjusting himself to kneel, yes he saw the irony, he weighed his eyes down to her chest and back up again, seeking permissions to unbutton her dress. Permission granted, she felt the goosebumps rise on her skin as his soft hands slowly released the buttons one by one. He was down to button four, taking in her beauty during the lengthy process, but she could no longer stand it; she wanted him, and she wanted him now. Pushing his hands away from dress to his surprise, she launched herself forward, returning her hands back into his hair and kissing him passionately. _God, this was bad, so bad but it felt so good_. Within seconds they were both standing, trying to take as much as one another as they could. They stumbled across to the wall, knocking a can of G&T over, as he wrestled taking his t-shirt off. Whilst blinded by t-shirt, she grabbed onto his waistband and pulled on it, causing him to fall into her, protruding cock first. She giggled as she heard him gasp into her ear, it was a beautiful sound. Filled with determination, he bit softly into her shoulder, causing a similar gasp to follow from her, as he fiddled with his pyjama trousers attempting to free his cock.

*Thud*

They both immediately stop and freeze in place.

*Thud*

"Shit, it's Pam!". He instantly jumped back in panic, frantically trying to pull his pyjama trousers up, assessing the situation. She remained frozen against the wall, dress still unbuttoned, watching the events unfold in front of her. "Shit, shit", he muttered under his breath as he tried to find his shirt and clean up the mess from the spilled G&T.

"You should.." / "I should..", they both uttered at one another. She grabbed her coat and ran for the door.

"No that's not what I..."

*slam*

"Fuck sake" / "Fuck sake", they both unknowingly mutter at the same time on alternate sides of the door. Well if Pam wasn't awake, she sure would be now.

With the G&T finally cleaned up, he put the empty cans in the bin and returned to the living room, putting his throbbing head into his hands. It might have been the alcohol or the fact his brain was trying to comprehend that he had just fucked up his chance with the person he gave permission to fuck up his life; _how did this make any sense?_ He felt a sharp pain race through his forehead, it was definitely the alcohol. He audibly sighed as he brought his head up, readjusting his eyes to the light. The newspaper headline caught his eye, _'POPE CHANGES MIND ON CELIBACY', _he laughed to himself. The Pope definitely hadn't, but he had.

Silently closing the door behind him, he started to walk down the garden path, on high alert.

He spun around, in what could only be described as a karate stance, "Oh shit!". He was relieved to see it was her, standing with her back to the wall. "Sorry, I thought you were"

"A fox?"

"Something like that, yeah". He joined her against the wall. "I'm sorry about that" he awkwardly mustered.

"No, I should be going anyway".

He turned his head to face her, in an attempt to breath through the walls she had suddenly put up but to no avail. She heard him sigh as she remained facing forward into the darkness.

"You?", she said offering him a cigarette.

"No, thank you"

She exhaled a long drag of the cigarette whilst looking up to the church, reminding herself of his choice.

"I can see why you banned me from there"

"Yeah, well, I can't do a sermon if my mind is focused on you" he said playfully, attempting to break the tension. It was met with no audible response; instead a silence that was filled with her desperate attempts to hold back tears. She quickly put out the half smoked cigarette and started the walk down the path, still facing forward, without acknowledging her companion.

Frantically he called behind her, "Would you like me to call you a taxi?". He was desperate and clutching at straws, anything to keep her here a few seconds longer.

She came to a standstill and closed her eyes, taking a quick breath. "No, it's fine thank you. There's a probably a bus due". Her voice was starting to break and she knew she had little time before the walls would crack, so she sped up her pace down the path.

Suddenly she felt a hand grabbing at her wrist, spinning her around. Before she could say anything, his lips were interlocked on to hers. It was something between a gentle and a passionate kiss, filled with the passion of before but filtered down to the bare minimum, describing their current predicament. He wanted her, and she wanted him. Pulling back to take a breath, leaving their foreheads leaning against one another, their cold noses touching, they both breathed nervously.

"I lo..", he began, voice breaking.

"I know", she interrupted.

They remain silently gazing at one another; not wanting to be the first to break away.

"I think I saw the curtain rustling in the top window", she whispered.

"Oh fuck, Pam" he said breaking away to wipe the lipstick off his mouth and tears off his face, he was a ruin.

She laughed softly at his failed attempts of wiping away the lipstick.

Face partially cleaned, he took a breath and stood watching her. He daren't touch her again with fear he couldn't let her go.

"I'll see you for Sunday sermon then?" she asked.

"Oh no, you're definitely still banned!" he chuckled.

She responded with a short laugh, but it hurt.

"I'll come see you tomorrow", he softly said.

She nodded. God she wanted to rush out and kiss him again, feel his lips against hers one more time, but the shining light from the church cast down perfectly between them; like a force from above stopping them from crossing the boundary.

"Okay", was all he could manage without losing himself. He nodded with a small wave and turned towards the house, listening to the crumbling gravel as she walked down the path. As he met his door he feared for the demon he had to face behind it. He contemplated taking one small last glance behind him, just one. After a few seconds he slowly turned to look behind, but she was gone.


End file.
